How to photograph your puppy.... 1. Remove film from box and load camera. 2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in the rubbish bin. 3. Remove puppy from rubbish bin and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. 4. Choose a suitable background for photo. 5. Mount camera on tripod and focus. 6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. 7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. 8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. 9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand. 10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. 11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose. 13. Put magazines back on coffee table. 14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head. 15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage. 16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!" 17. Clean up mess. 18. Sit back in chair with large scotch and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to standard.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Make me.
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeeky toys in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover...
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there........
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shephard: First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of THEM, so the question is, how long will it be before I can expect my light?
